‘Who’s Your Daddy’ Movie Review

Don't let the poster fool ya, it's PG13 at best

I plan to occasionally go through the slew of ultra-bad movies cropping up on Netflix which use the DVD cover to raise expectations for at least some decent T&A. Who’s Your Daddy starring Ali Landry, Christine Lakin and Brandon Davis is a flop shot with the hopes of capitalizing on the success of American Pie. Per the weak entry in Wiki, it was shot in 2001 and finally released in 2005. The premise was promising: unpopular kid inherits multi-million dollar porn magazine called “Heaven” (a spoof on Hugh Hefner’s Playboy empire). The problem is the script blows all the opportunities available including humor, sexiness, fantasy and vengeance.

How could you make such a promising premise both boring and annoying? By not allowing the kid to live the actual fantasy all the rest of us perverts would imagine if we inherited a porn business. Sure, the story of true love could have still been intertwined as Brandon Davis’ character Chris Hughes could have fallen in love with Christine Lakin’s character Kate Reeves at the end. We knew some cornball love story would prevail amongst the boobs and booty, but what about the journey there?

Chris doesn’t even get laid in the Heaven (Playboy) Mansion while surrounded by angels (bunnies) and a trashy playmate of the month who wants to get at his money and power. And he’s still a virgin by the end of the film! He doesn’t even get laid when he returns to his hometown and the popular girl in high school wants to date him due to his newfound wealth. He only gets laid at the very, very end with his true love–who was this movie written for? Chicks?!

Sorry to sound sexist, I’m all for movies appealing to women as well as men, but not so much when it’s supposed to be a shallow comedy. The plot was offensive to most women to begin with so why not take it all the way. Chris should have been getting so much sex that he begins to wonder if that’s all there is and then–only then–sees Kate Reeves, high school newspaper editor, as his true love. There should have been cat fights in the mansion, his best friend should have miraculously laid through some clever subplot and we should have seen a ton of bouncing tits.

What’s worse, is the end of the film that has Chris saving his fortune from his uncle by finalizing the new issue of Heaven before the deadline (legally he can be voted out of the company for incompetence if he doesn’t). When they’re posing the shots supposedly sexy photos for the magazine we get to see nothing except Kate Reeves doing “art” photos or rather boring , unsexy photos of the Heaven’s girls.

Here’s what I would do to fix this film:

1. Chris gets laid and taught how to be a good lover by Ali Landry’s character Elissa Bauer, one of the Heaven’s girls. She’s sort of a mentor in the art of love.

2. Chris gets exploited by the villainess, an angel named Heather McKay played by Patsy Kensit. She sleeps with him and then claims to be knocked up to get his money. Part of the plot involves exposing her for her lies as it turns out she is knocked up by Chris’ fat best friend who in the film acts as his assistant. At the very end we could see her move in with the best friend and his parents in a very awkward living arrangement.

3. This pregancy power play subplot ends in an ultimate catfight between Elissa and Heather and snowballs into a rumble with all of the Heaven’s girls. Tits flying, claws out, nasty bitch slapping, the works!

4. Chris’ uncle does try to steal the Heaven’s empire by making Chris miss his deadline. Chris employs Kate Reeves to shoot and edit the new issue. At first she resists as mild porn is beneath her and sexist, etc. But we have been getting clues up until this point that Kate secretly is a freak. Once she starts shooting the pictures of the Heaven’s girls she makes them do some outrageous poses and girl on girl action much to the surprise of Chris. The issue has to have a theme to catch media attention so they decide to do “Devils in Heaven.” Half the girls dress as devils and half as angels and the posed shots make it look like the devils have seduced their angelic counterparts. Heather, the villain of the girls, could be made to be one of the angels and Elissa can come out dressed as Satan with a pitchfork style dildo and then we’re allowed to imagine the revenge that ensues. Later we might see Heather running away with the pitchfork sticking out of her ass. You may think that is extreme, but it could be done humorously in a twisted exaggerated fashion and for Christ’s sake, this film was listed as unrated so we expect extreme.

5. Lastly Chris’ uncle gets his just desserts. He gets knocked down to the status of a director of midget porn.

6. Also, I hated the scene where Chris gets beat up by the popular jock named Hudson after he has inherited his millions and then his chauffeur rescues him. Instead, I would show him getting beat up in the beginning of the film and then after Chris gets his money he uses it to protect himself in the next encounter. The jock is starts wailing on him but Chris stops him for a moment, holds up a wad of cash and yells to his jock friends, “A thousand bucks for every time you kick this asshole in the balls.” The jocks have a crisis of loyalty and go for the money and begin kicking Hudson until a later shot when he ‘s taken away in an ambulance, his friends apologizing as they’re holding the ill-gotten cash.

There’s plenty more you could do, such as having Chris’ fundamentalist parents try to stop the Heaven magazine production using the church to go after Chris’ porn empire. These are just some basic ideas that would have made the film better. I never understand who writes these bad scripts even as I know they’re rushed. Be at least somewhat clever or at the very least very perverted if you’re going to use an idea involving porn.

Sigh, oh well. I can say that Christine Lakin, formerly Al of Step by Step has grown up. Just look at her FHM pics. We’re always told that the media ideal is a skinny blonde, but the nice thing about Maxim and FHM is they invite atypical girls like Lakin to pose because she’s also a fantasy. Short, a little nerdy maybe, but cute and a tight little body.