« THAT 70′S SHOWING VIEWER DISCRETION WARNING | Main | WHAT WOULD JAMES BOND DO? »
DIRTY HARRY, ACCOUNTS PAYABLE
By swenson | September 23, 2008
OFFICE EMAIL 1: I’d like to thank everyone for welcoming me into YSP Mortgage Funding. Normally I don’t receive that kind of reaction, especially after my remark about all personnel being for a**holes. My doctor said I had to retire from the force, possible chance of a heart attack if I didn’t, damn it all. I figure a 9-5 desk job should be stress free, but I’m still keeping my Magnum 44 in my drawer–LOL
OFFICE EMAIL 2: The following people need to let me know if they are paying for their appraisal invoices or if they are billing them out to their client: Brandon, Susan, and Lucas. Also if you want to be reimbursed for taking a client out to lunch you need to file an expense report. Do not throw the receipt on my desk and expect it to get done.
OFFICE EMAIL 3: What did I say about the motherf****n’ expense reports? I came back from my break and there are 10 new receipts with no names. Whatever p**sy ordered a Strawberry Margarita from Azteca needs to stop by my desk asap!
OFFICE EMAIL 4: Apologies to Susan for calling her a p***y. I figured it was one of you prissy loan officers with your head up your a**. More apologies for stuffing the receipts into Lucas’ mouth, but the kid is a smarta** and had it coming.
OFFICE EMAIL 5: I have yet to receive any replies to my request on the appraisal invoices. Maybe I’m not using this new computer thing right or maybe you clowns are simply ignoring me. Either way I deducting the invoices from the guilty parties’ payroll. To hell with protocol.
OFFICE EMAIL 6: The next person who says to me “Go ahead, make my payday” is going to get kicked in the balls–and I don’t care if you’re a woman either! I’m not doing payroll, I’m accounts payable. Tell that f****n’ quote to Marcia in payroll the next desk down, she thinks you’re all a**holes anyhow. Never thought I’d agree with a woman.
OFFICE EMAIL 7: Some cheap bastard stole my Starbucks Coffee! I left it on the counter in the motherfuckin’ breakroom. Now you’ll know it’s my coffee because I take it black. I always go to that Starbucks on 3rd street before work, have to explain that I don’t want any prissy milk froth or fancy-name-shit flavoring, I just want it black. It always takes me ten minutes to explain this to the little barista bitch behind the counter with the smile plastered on–and now someone has taken it! So get your motherfuckin’ ass to my desk with my black Starbucks coffee, you piece of trash.
OFFICE EMAIL 8: Apologies to the office. I left my coffee in the men’s room.
OFFICE EMAIL 8 Addendum: Apologies to the office, Marcia pointed out to me that I didn’t use asterixes when I swore.
OFFICE EMAIL 9: I’ve received all of the updated expense reports except for Lucas. I’ll be down there in five minutes, and you’d better have that file, you pencil-pushing son-of-a-bitch!
OFFICE EMAIL 10: Lucas is in the hospital. I could’ve sworn the Magnum wasn’t loaded, it was only a scare tactic. Susan has volunteered to take a signed get well card down to him and will be passing it around. I am turning in my resignation so you can all fuck yourselves. What a shitty day! How you all can just sit on your asses and take this crap I don’t know. I’m going home and having a beer.
Topics: Office Funnies & Stories | No Comments »